First, what is self-regulation, and why is it important?

Labeling challenging behavior as oppositional, manipulative, and attention-seeking is tempting. However, challenging behavior is often not in children’s control. It is more accurate and helpful to understand this behavior as a sign that children cannot handle their big emotions (such as mad, sad, or scared). When they feel overwhelmed, their emotions get the best of them. That is, they cannot self-regulate.

Self-regulation is the ability to remain calm, cope with big emotions, adapt, and respond appropriately to our environment. It is important because it allows children to do well in school, with friends, and at home. It helps children feel good about what they can handle and about themselves.

Self-regulation skills are linked to how well children manage many tasks during early childhood. With these skills, children can more manage complex and stressful events that occur as part of life, such as the loss of a pet, the death of a family member, or family separation. 

As a child learns to self-regulate, skills such as concentrating, sharing, and taking turns also develop. This enables a child to move from depending on others to beginning to manage by themselves.

How can you help your nanny learn ways to regulate your toddler during challenging moments can make a big difference.

Here are some practical steps to share with her:

1. Model calmness and reassurance:

   – Encourage her to stay calm herself, as toddlers often mirror emotions.

   – Remind her to get down to the child’s eye level, use a calm tone, and reassure

     that she’s there to help them through their feelings.

2. Acknowledge and label emotions

   – Teach them to verbally recognize their feelings by saying things like, “I see you’re

     feeling sad” or “You’re feeling frustrated.”

   – This shows empathy and helps them learn to name their emotions.

3. Provide simple choices

   – Guide her to offer two simple options to redirect focus. For instance, “Would you

     like to read a book or play with blocks?”

   – This helps give them a sense of control, which can be calming.

4. Use breathing techniques

   – Show her how to use deep breathing exercises with your child. One fun way is to

     pretend to “smell flowers” (inhale) and “blow out candles” (exhale).

   – Practicing this in calm moments can make it easier to use during challenging times.

5. Redirect to calming activities

   – Encourage her to have a few go-to activities that help your child feel calm, such

     as reading, sensory play, or cuddling a favorite stuffed animal.

6. Celebrate calming efforts

   – Remind her to praise your child when they begin to self-regulate, saying

     something like, “You did a great job calming down.”

This shared approach can help your nanny and child feel more supported and confident during emotional moments. Regularly checking in together will keep everyone on the same page.

These are just a few of the many boundaries you must discuss with your nanny for a healthy relationship. In our workshops, we emphasize the importance of adhering to your employer’s boundaries. Discussing these topics and reviewing them periodically can help you maintain a positive, respectful working relationship with your nanny.

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Useful sources:

• For those interested in nanny training, visit The Nanny Movement website for more information.
• If you’re curious about our recruitment process, be sure to check out our comprehensive guide: Recruitment Process: Everything You Need to Know.